touch me

J came over to watch Sin City. When it was over, we got out of the house and met a friend of his at the movie theater. we watched Grindhouse, the double feature Rodriguez/Tarantino...nice horror spoof. Rodriguez had the winning hand.
We came back home late. I'm nervous around him. I can never be myself, sometimes I can't breathe. However, this time I thought we had a good time. we managed to avoid talking about our past relationship. But little did I know...
J and I ended up together when neither of us wanted to be together with anyone. that was about 3 years ago. since then, many things have happened: he loved and hated another woman, I loved and hated him.
last night he held me tight to him. familiar picture, familiar thoughts. he said there's sexual tension between us. I was suffocating and went to open the window. He continues to apologize for those times he hurt me. He says he cares and yet I don't feel the truth in his words. His arms are thick. His hands are large over my hands and body. I love large hands. They give me a sense of safety. he sleeps. why am I still laying next to him, on the couch?
I move to my bed. take all my clothes off and lay there naked for a while. I can't sleep because of the adrenaline rush. wrote a couple of notes on my diary, although many times before I had promissed I would never write about J again.
fell asleep among dreams of pirates and burning houses where a phantom lord grins at me in pain. woke up and J was next to me. Holding me. I was naked. he was dressed. nothing wrong with this picture, you may say. A pain in my stomach brought back memories of my desire for him. I hated him. I hated his arrogant ways. I was digging through this hate when it hit me: I wanted him to touch me. I wanted him to touch me like the first time we made love. I felt his hard on rubbing against me. I stretched, felt every muscle in my body while I was still in his arms. I could feel him, I could smell him and my senses became painfully aware of his presence around me. I wanted no responsibility of that sexual desire. I wanted to accuse him of taking advantage of my vulnerability, when I knew I wasn't vulnerable.
Touch me! Feel me! Don't fuck me! Tie me up in knots! cover my eyes, so that I can't see. make me want you. cover my mouth and tell me to speak up my desire. I don't want to make love to you. in fact, I still resent you. I still hate you for breaking my heart. I'm ready to hurt you, so hurt me and stop me from my destructive path. Make me bleed. make me love you again. don't give up on me. Touch me again and let the hurt set in. trust me, J. trust me this once!